Diving into delicious, disabled relationships
Plus: A powerful essay on radical honesty in friendship
Kia ora e te whānau!
Over the next few weeks on The D*List we are delighted to be exploring the delicious nature of our relationships. And while we’ll absolutely be rejoicing in sexy disabled dating stories, we will also be spending time exploring different relationships that are unique to our communities - relationships with our friends, assistance dogs, support workers and teacher aides, for example.
Spending time in these conversations got me thinking about my earliest memories of trying to make friends, and the lengths I felt like I had to go to as a disabled kid.
“While the other kids ran off to play in the playground at a primary school, my little disabled legs were not allowing me to climb the jungle gym. Sitting by myself, I took out a bag of lollies. As soon as I started waving my sweets around, the other kids came running over.
Whether it’s an inaccessible school playground, lack of access at a sports club, inaccessible dating apps - we know there are less opportunities for disabled folk to build meaningful connections.
… And yet, there’s a rare and occasionally magical quality about the delicate relationships that exist in our worlds, too.”
If you like, you can read my full editorial on The D*List.
The Deaf community in Invercargill has been without a local New Zealand Sign Language interpreter for two years. They have signalled a desperate need for one to the Invercargill City Council as part of a consultation for its disability policy, The Post reports. Phillippa Strong told the panel a full-time interpreter would open up opportunities for the community. “Deaf people should be treated equally. Deaf people have rights,” she said.
Emily Writes and Katy Thomas spoke to RNZ to reflect on the last six months since the changes to disability funding rules. They spoke about caregiver burnout and how the funding changes significantly reduce the options for much needed respite.
Congrats to the Waikato team who took first place at the Wheelchair Rugby Low Point National Championships. Four teams from around the motu went head to head at the Te Awamutu Events Centre last weekend. The Auckland team came second, with Bay of Plenty in third and Canterbury fourth.
As part of our relationships series, Ruby Solly makes the case for radical honesty as a core component of close relationships. In her latest essay, Ruby explains ‘the talk’ she has with close friends, where she confides how her condition can manifest in certain behaviours, and provides them with the opportunity to make adjustments to the relationship, or leave altogether. She explains:
The conversation covers several areas but it always begins the same; if we stay friends in the same way we are now, there will come a time when you will see me unwell. We will talk about ableism and invisible illnesses. We will talk about baselines, and about how most of the time, I sit in a space where I am slightly depressed, but high functioning. We will talk about psychosis. We will talk about the anti-psychiatry movement and how stigma affects our lives, especially those of indigenous people, and women. I will tell you what it feels like to watch yourself doing things without having given yourself permission to do them. I will tell you that hurting you is one of my biggest concerns, and is part of why we are having this conversation.
I will tell you that I love you, and that I really value our friendship.
But most importantly, I will give you an opportunity to leave, and I will give you the opportunity to tailor the relationship so that it’s what you can handle at this time in your journey. The world is full of so many things, and we can’t expect everybody to understand everything within it. Not everybody can handle being close with someone with a severe mental illness, especially when its in an active phase. Especially when the invisible becomes visible. I want you to understand that not being able to deal with this, is not a personal failing on you or me or our friendship. It is a symptom that we both have as being part of a world itself which is sick.
But on top of that, it’s me telling you that it’s OK not to get this right 100% of the time. It’s OK to ask questions. It’s OK to make mistakes. But it’s also me saying to you, that if you’re going to be friends with someone with a disability, you are going to have to work on the ableism that the capitalist world has placed within you. You’re going to have to meet me halfway, and there are going to be times where you have to go a little bit further than that, because I can’t travel to you. I’m locked in the house, I’m breathing in the dust and the asbestos with no mask and I can’t see that this isn’t all there is. I’m not saying I need you to save me. But I do need you to understand that there are times that I’m not fully there with you.
You can read the full essay here.
You might’ve noticed an unsettling uptick in the use of ableist slurs. ‘Retard’ and ‘weird’ are the latest words to casually re-enter the political sphere as derogatory terms. I had a chat to people in our communities and a linguistics expert, Dr Keith Montgomery, on how that might have happened and what we can do to push back. Montgomery says:
“All words in a language have a life. The sad thing about words is they can acquire negative or positive meanings because all words have an actual meaning. And all words also draw connotation, and connotations are whatever anybody wants to associate with them.”
Based on how Peters used the R-word recently, it was with deliberate “blunt force”, says Montgomery.
“He knew using that word would fire people up… he knows full well what the impact of that word is likely to be.”
When words are used as a slur and associated with a group of people, such as disabled communities, “of course it's hurtful and we see that once we get public reports of it”, Montgomery says. “For the large majority of the population, no matter what the slur might be, there is no direct impact on them. So they don't have a feel that the word is carrying any of that kind of thing.”
Read The unsettling rise of ableist slurs here.
Two weeks ago, Pharmac announced two proposals which appear to make access to ADHD medicine easier, but not really. This week on The D*List, Eda Tang captured some of the highs and lows about this proposal from the ADHD community.
What are your thoughts? Public consultation on removing the renewal criteria for stimulant treatments is open until Thursday 3 October at 5pm. Feedback on funding lisdexamfetamine (Vyvanse) closed yesterday (super ADHD friendly, we know 🫠).
🥇 This weekend, thousands of people will gather at Eden Park in Tāmaki Makaurau in an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for the largest haka. The event itself is a fundraiser for the the Raukatauri Music Therapy Centre, and will have performances by Six60, Tami Neilson, Hollie Smith and more. There are a variety of tickets available for different needs, such as blind/low vision, wheelchair accessible, hearing impairment and spaces that allow easy access. You can find out more and secure your ticket here, or sign up to attend virtually here.
💌 A huge shout-out to Lauren who sent us a dating disaster story about what it’s like being a disabled person on dating apps. She often gets odd responses to her profile, including this classic: “Why you have a pipe connected to your nose?” 🫠 Thanks Lauren - we have a D*List tote bag on its way to you!
🧑🏼🌾 Our friends at the Dig It! Community Garden in Royal Oak are fundraising for new tools which will get the garden in shape ready for summer. Read about the community space here or find out more about the fundraiser here.
Enjoy your weekend and take some time to connect with your friends and whānau - or if you’re brave, slide into the DMs of your Instagram crush 😏
- Olivia Shivas, Editor